February 1, 2011

doubt/best way to live

Most days I embrace faith. I practice faith for a living as a pastor. So I pray, preparing messages, study scripture, give pastoral care all in the name of the somewhat elusive Holy Spirit.
I love this work. It fills my soul and nourishes me and as I do it.
But every now and then, I wake up in the morning and think, "do I really believe this whole God thing?". Like enough to spend everyday, all day doing "God-work"...seeking to be an intentional God-bearer in the world?  Really? Can I be sure?  What if my sense of God is really just the air filling my lungs or my own voice in my head?
And then I think, well, even if experiencing God is just a social construct, even if I am buying into a massive myth--I am convinced that this is the best way to live.
That being a person who practices belief in God, living in the Spirit, and following the teachings of  Jesus is the most authentic, life-giving, whole, beauty-seeking, freedom-chasing way to live. And then faith comes back, floods in, God's sovereignty covers my doubts and reminds me:
The voice of the Beloved, naming me Beloved, is too un-human for me to make up.
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