March 9, 2011

What keeps me grounded: a little chaos

There is more chaos then I want there to be in my life this week.
I found myself thinking yesterday how much easier it is to be my "best self" away from home.  At home, I am constantly faced with the juggle of my child's homework and irritability, stacks of laundry, a pesky dog, undone dishes. It is easier to be who I want to be when all I have to worry about is myself and my reactions.  But at home, when I am so connected to my family and to the very daily, ordinary tasks of shelter, food, clothing, and creating loving, safe space--it seems that to be who I want to be is slightly out of my grasp.  Everything is a little less under my control.  I think it should be opposite. In my work and ministry--that is where I should experience life as out of control.  In my home is where I should have dominion.  What crazy words: control and dominion.
Perhaps at home is where my humanity is more clearly in view.  Where the illusions of control fade away most quickly.  It is the real stuff of life. Not life that fits into boxes on my calendar, or flows through some invisible organizational chart of semi-hierarchy, or relationships that primarily exist at a table at coffee.
Home is the real deal, life not over a cup of coffee, but over the intensity of daily living.

But this chaos is my beautiful life.  I find grace here and meaning.  My ministry world may seem to be a little more under my grasp because it has boundaries to it.  Home keeps me honest and grounded and real.
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